Freaky Fred

Hello new friend. My name is Fred.

The words you hear are in my head.

I say I said my name is Fred.

And I've been...

Very naughty.

The story I'm about to tell

I tell you I will tell it well

Is of my dear aunt Muriel

And just how I've been...


Voilà! the farm. My aunt lives here.

With precious pup and husband dear.

My heart beat fast as I drew near.

I felt so nice...

and Naughty.

I thought just how excited they

Must be that I would come today.

They'd shout, "Come Fred! Huzzah! Hoo-ray!

My dear boy, you look so...


That's when my tired eyes beheld

A doggy dog! Like dog he smelled.

D-O-G is what he spelled.

And that's how I spell...


Alone was I, with tender Courage.

And all his fur, his furry furrage.

Which, I say, did encourage

Me, to be quite...


It was a day I'll not forget;

The day I first met my pet.

Oh, what a lovely gift to get.

I'd never felt so...


My fuzzy friend is what he was.

This darling little ball of fuzz.

And, oh, such fuzz, such fuzz, it does

Demand that I be...


He looked at me, his fetching eyes,

And fetching fur did hypnotize,

I filled with joy, I filled with sighs;

And that was when I got...


His dripping hair, this droopy curl,

Unfolds sweet memories of a girl.

With tresses oh, they twist and twirl.

And tempt me to be...


Barbera, my love was named;

And her fair hair, a mane untamed;

Until one evening, I'm ashamed,

I got a little...


The look upon my loved one's face

Was sweet as lace!

But in this case, I realized she

Needed space.

I never more was naughty.

Well... maybe not never.

Dear Cour, your fur and fleece remind

Of nothing found in humankind.

But for one fellow, who did find

Me, to be in a certain mood.

Into my shop he walked one day,

With bush above, and beard bouquet.

"That's no toupee," I prayed, "No way."

I could help but be... You know...

I'd never seen such hair before!

His bangs, they sang! His neck, it beckoned!

Eyebrows, armpits, all were reckoned!

Soon, I figured, what the heck!

And that's how I was...


Then my landlords did presume

To free me from that porcelain tomb,

And ferry to a private room,

Your hero, ever dotty.

Goodbye, dear aunt. I'll miss your farm.

And Eustace's ebullient charm.

And farewell Courage; what's the harm,

If I was slightly...